I’m in the middle of a miscarriage. It’s day 3. It feels like a good time to write. On Monday I go to the hospital to take a tablet which allows ‘the tissue’ to pass. I have no idea what that will be like. I will face it. And today I am at peace.
On Thursday, my beautiful midwife could not detect a heartbeat from the little surprise munchkin that had rapidly been developing within my pelvis. A few hours later I was looking at the lifeless form of a tiny human on the ultrasound screen as the sonographer expressed her condolences.
I cancelled all my appointments for the next few days and went home to cry.
My heart was disintegrating...desiccating. But I knew it had to.
I knew it could take it. I am human and this is how I am designed.
I knew this was the process that would allow the heartache to transform and renew. And that I would be transformed and renewed. And that it would be beautiful. Because it always is...if you will be brave enough to face yourself in the darkest moments.
So I let it be. I surrendered...to it all.
Whatever needed to come out I would let out.
I let myself feel guilty..until I didn’t feel guilty anymore.
I welcomed the feelings that I’d let my family down….until I knew I hadn’t.
I let myself blame people I didn’t like or who didn’t like me. Until I knew I didn’t really mean it.
I let myself be victimy. I let myself curse this country that is not my home.
I let myself remember the hardship of the past 7 years.
I let myself be the martyr.
I let myself be homesick.
I let myself mourn for the absence of any further children as there would be none.
I knew this was what true strength is….that letting ourselves be weak when we need to be weak leaves us stronger. I knew these things were not being taken on permanently but would pass through my body just as my tiny bubba will. I trusted what would remain would be new aspects of who I am and they would be made of peace and love.
I knew this was transformation and that transformation is often horrible...but always worth it.
I let myself share the sad news among the inner circle who already were privy to our secret delight. I let their love in and I was grateful. We were a fortnight away from making our surprise pregnancy public.
One of my private clients asked me if I had any special mindset tricks or hacks that could help. I told him crying is good. It is. It’s always been my superpower.
I also let myself be grateful for this experience. I let myself be grateful for the little soul I would have to wait to meet. I thanked him for coming and then for going. Knowing he’s not really gone anywhere. I think it was another boy. I trust that this is the way it needs to be.
I found myself grateful for the children on this side and their kindness and remembering what chocolate I like (even though I rarely eat chocolate).
I was touched and grateful for the beautiful flowers.
I found myself curious and grateful for the lessons which are coming.
Even so, I still found myself awake at 3am, unable to sleep.
And so I allowed myself to daydream, and open my mind up to possibilities of a future I’d love to experience. And it was healing and integrating.
Now mine is not a unique experience. It’s a sorrow that many women know but not many share. I have known lesser sorrows and I will know greater... as will you.
So here I am sharing a moment..we need to do this more.
I’m sending love to you if this is an experience we share. I hope I’m also sending permission to be brave and to allow your heart to break....because it is not weakness and it can mend.
An interesting part of all of this was that although I am very much at terms with what has happened, as I was driving this morning and as my thoughts rolled back to Thursday...I cried again.
“Huh...What was that about, Helen?” (Because I really felt at peace with what is.)
I realised it was in compassion and empathy for my Thursday self..and that was a beautiful discovery.
To be continued.